A trip to the hairdresser and a fabulous pair of shimmering golden hair tongs prompts Simon's decision to turn Kylie into Princess Diana.

A new teacher arrives at school who really may be one of the Beautiful People. Can this really be true? Simon and Kylie finally try to leave Reading for ultra glamorous London. In New York older Simon gets homesick.

The Doonans plan a holiday abroad, but a plumbing disaster spoils everything. Meanwhile across the road, Kylie's father meets his match in the form of a snarling dog called Madonna. Warning: contains Bette Midler impersonations and a replica Eiffel Tower.

Simon returns to Reading and recalls a school project that led to him unearthing a terrible secret about his parents' marriage and his sister revealing some devastating news.

Simon remembers his mother's experiments with the occult and his grandmother's return from a mental hospital, which saw her change rather radically from the nicest granny in the world. Featuring conjoined twins and a bingo caller.

In 1998 Simon and Kylie form a pop band called E-male and hunky music teacher Mr. Carr offers to manage them. To Simon's surprise, when his Dad invites taciturn new neighbour Ross Kemp to dinner, he brings his significant other, who happens to be Mr. Carr. The two men have a big bust-up but Mr.Carr still takes Simon and Kylie to Birmingham for the Eurovision Song Contest. The boys get locked in a toilet and are rescued by contest winner Dana International, with whom they also appear, by accident, on stage. Simon grabs a plume from Dana's costume and years later it's still on his Mum's hat, though when he meets Dana again in the street she is not keen to reacquaint herself with him.

It's 1998, and Ground Force is at its height and Simon feels a desperate need for a water feature. Meanwhile, the women of Melody Crescent feel a desperate need to 'sloshercise' with hunky training instructor Tiger. Elaine Paige makes a stunning appearance in Simon's imagination. Warning: contains showtunes.

The Doonans go deep into the world of Brit Art when they meet rabble rouser Stacey Bile near the Kate Winslet memorial roundabout. This leads to several road accidents, imminent birth, blind ladies driving cars, and the Turner Prize. Meanwhile, Aunty Hayley has set herself up as a telephone astrologer with one rather obsessive client.