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The fort is infested by mosquitoes and the residents are willing to try anything to avoid the pests – even MacTavish's "special" repellant. Luckily for the fort, Misty Moon has a recipe for relief, which sends Blackfly on a mission for the main ingredient – albino beaver juice!

Lady Hammond is the self-assigned New World correspondent for the London Social Gazette. Blackfly, MacTavish, Colonel Boyle and even Misty Moon are falling over themselves trying to get their name in ink. MacTavish's bid for fame and fortune is the staging of the First Annual MacTavish Open Golf Classic – extreme golf played in the deep woods. And the winner is the surprise last minute entry – Chief Smack-Your-Face-In.

There are two things to do at the fort at night – sleep and drink. Lady Hammond seizes on the notion of exercise and temperance after a night of one-too-many. She uses her charms to cajole the men to take the sobriety pledge and Misty Moon's bar falls empty. But the men have to drink something, so MacTavish and Blackfly turn the trading post into a coffee house. Only Lady Hammond doesn't seem to be suffering through this dry spell. Could it be the ingredients in the special blend of "coffee" that she's been drinking?

When the chips are down, who would you turn to, a pretentious poet with the gift for gab, or The Lord Of The Laundry? A wilderness poet arrives at the fort and Lady Hammond swoons and faints into his arms upon his recitations, only to have her heart wrung out like a dishrag when he takes off. Now that Blackfly realizes the power of words, he gives poetry a go. Lady Hammond faints at his literary efforts, but this time it's because her gown is too tight. Blackfly shrunk it when he was doing her laundry.

Blackfly and Corporal Entwhistle venture into the woods to rescue Lady Hammond, the high-society daughter of Colonel Boyle. She was "misplaced" during her voyage to the new colony by French voyageur Ti-Jean. When she is finally found and brought to the fort, the men of the post are smitten and compete for her attention.

A smooth talking huckster from the land of opportunity sets up shop at the fort. How can MacTavish compete with that all-American know-how? Lady Hammond shops until she drops and Blackfly has to bend his gender to save her virtue. Colonel Boyle develops a strange fondness for lilac scented foot powder.

Another typical day at Fort Simpson-Eaton...the residents eagerly await for their goods to be brought by the French voyageurs, Entwhistle craves the action of a good battle, and Blackfly decides that he is due for a raise after all his time and hard work. As with most entrepreneurs, MacTavish experiences the pressures of supply and demand and turns Blackfly down – but our hero has his own idea of supply and demand!

Colonel Boyle is still traumatized over his humiliating defeat at The Battle Of The Big Green Hill by The Little Green Hill. The only solution is to rewrite history by re-enacting the critical moment. Blackfly is in a panic. Will Colonel Boyle finally recognize him as the Little Drummer Man who was responsible for the Colonel's darkest hour?

As the men of the fort grow desperate for female companionship, a woman arrives to answer their prayers. Her name is Bettina, Sister Bettina, aka Bad Betty. A card shark, she takes her thieving ways through the wilderness dressed up as a nun. Blackfly is tempted by forbidden love. In the end, Bad Betty takes off with MacTavish's strong box, but not without a fond farewell for Blackfly.

Corporal Entwhistle's twin brother, Lord Entwhistle, is coming to the fort. In a mad scramble to impress him, Entwhistle proposes marriage to both Misty Moon and Lady Hammond, only to have his heart broken twice. Blackfly is also out to win Lady Hammond's favour, but even his temporary position as the acting Chief Factor is not enough to turn her head. Lord Entwhistle arrives in a pine box and Corporal Entwhistle is suddenly landed gentry.